Life on the Farm these days is full of contradictions.
Our days feel slow, but busy. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas and yet it felt like forever getting here. I’m mourning the fact that my baby is turning one at the close of the month, but also so excited to see what this next stage brings us. I feel restless yet content. Exhausted yet exhilarated. Overwhelmed and yet, at peace. It’s a strange season of life.
I listened to a podcast today that talked about how we have a pretty hard time seeing the whole picture of our lives during the ages of 20-60. Not because we lack anything in particular, besides the advantage of simply being on the other side. It’s mostly that we’re just too consumed with the business of living life to be able to step back and see it all laid out in front of us. That’s really how I’ve felt lately. In the the mix, in the mess, just living one day at a time, not knowing what the next will bring.
In one way, it’s a victory. I’ve struggled to live in the moment in the past, constantly looking to the future to bring me hope and purpose. So it feels good to say that I’m actually just living for the here and now. But it can also feel kind of disorienting. Like you can’t see out of the individual moment and you’re not exactly sure where you’re headed.
At our annual friends Christmas party the other night, I shared a few of these thoughts, only to be met with the response, “Well, when you figure it out, let us know.” Which was strangely comforting. I’m not alone in feeling this way and even though it doesn’t change my reality, it’s just kinda nice to feel like there’s somebody out there who gets it, you know?
All of my slightly melancholy thoughts aside, life is really, really good. Our first Christmas with Emmett has been great! He’s just so sweet and curious, it’s so fun to share new things with him. We are looking forward to heading up to Priest Lake with my family tomorrow for a magical white Christmas and also excited to come home and have our own little traditions. Taylor has had a nice, slow winter on the farm and we are continuing to enjoy our time with him, especially those extra snow days last week!
I’m slowly, but surely, feeling more and more like I’m getting back to myself after my full-immersion motherhood experience, and am really looking forward to getting outside and having more adventures in the new year. Like I do pretty much every winter, I’ve got the fly-fishing bug real bad and can hardly bear the need to get my feet into a river. You can bet I’ll be spending these cold months scouting out nearby creeks to throw my fly line in and places Emmett and I can sneak off to this spring when things heat up on the farm.
Perhaps it’s not just life these days that’s full of contradictions, I mean the whole year has been a bit strange in general; just take a look around at the state of the world. But despite enduring some pretty rough times, difficult conversations, sleepless nights, broken relationships and stress, grief and doubt, I still just feel SO lucky. For my family, my friends, my health, faith, hope and love, and especially for this sweet, sweet life on the farm.
Merry Christmas everyone!